On 1 July 2024 coercive control will become a criminal offence in the state of New South Wales but exactly what is coercive control and how does it play out in Christian relationships?
The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare describes coercive control as a pattern of controlling behaviour and findings have suggested that 23% of women and 14% of men have experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner. You can read the full article here.
What types of behaviour contribute to coercive control?
The types of behaviour that contribute to coercive control are many and varied. The NSW Department of Family and Relationships lists such things as emotional abuse, shaming, intimidation, social isolation, limiting freedom, financial abuse, stalking, monitoring etc. You can see the full list and explanations here but a stand-out among them for me, is spiritual abuse.
Spiritual abuse
Coercive control and the behaviour that contributes to it is often poorly understood by Christian leaders and anyone going to their leaders for help may be told they have no grounds for divorce, or they're in rebellion, or they just need to stay and love him and God will fix it, or you need to repent of your sin, just to name a few. Essentially what is going on here is victim blaming and perpetrators are rarely held to account.
One bible verse relied upon to support those dangerous statements is Ephesians 5:22 which tells wives to submit to their husbands, but rarely is that verse balanced with Ephesians 5:25 which says "husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" and to top it off, in most situations I've heard about, leaders imply there isn't a biblical example of the type of problem you're describing and so you just need to be mature about it and be joyful in your suffering. I beg to differ as per Mark 7:20-23:
“What comes out of a person is what defiles them. 21 For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, 22 adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. 23 All these evils come from inside and defile a person.”
What about Coercive Control in Christian Dating?
I've lost count of the amount of Christian women I've heard of who have been shamed and coerced on a Christian dating website regarding their decision to remain sexually pure until marriage. If that's the behaviour they indulge in during the earliest period of contact, imagine how that would progress to coercive control or even worse if those women didn't avail themselves of the block button!
The statistics above suggest that men are also experiencing these things and I would love to hear your stories, if you are game to share them, so we can shine a spotlight on these issues in the Christian community.
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